The Moment After the Moment

It wasn’t the therapist saying autistic that hit the hardest — it was the quiet minutes, hours, and days after. It was the times I was caught in my head, wondering how I had made it so far in life, without even knowing. It was the still, small voice saying that nothing has changed, but somehow, nothing will ever be the same. It was how the word stopped sounding like information and started sounding like a question: Is this me now? Has it always been me? Will this consume the rest of who I am and how the world will look at me? And most importantly, “What does this all mean?”

While the humorist in me would say the diagnosis gave me heartburn, anxiety, and an ever-present feeling of unease, what it really gave me was clarity. But not just clarity, systematic clarity. And being able to put the right language to how one feels when they’re faced with the word “Autism” in their lives is the exact reason I wrote this article, “Does Autism Define Me?”

Because I don’t want you to feel like you’re struggling to find the words when someone asks you, “So how do you feel about Autism?”

This four part ladder will help you explain.

The Autistic Identity Ladder — In the Language We Actually Use

1. Neuro Closed

This is the wall-up stage. The conversation, the possibility, even the word Autism itself feels like a threat — not because you’re opposed to it, but because you don’t fully understand it.

Neuro Closed sounds like:

• “I’m not discussing this.”
• “I don’t need a label.”
• “Stop analyzing me.”
• “Maybe YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S AUTISTIC!”

What’s really happening inside:

• Fear of misunderstanding and being misunderstood
• Protection of autonomy and a fear of criticism
• Avoiding vulnerability because vulnerability hasn’t felt safe
• Seeing autism as a reduction, not an explanation

The need at this stage for most people is:

• Understanding, not pressure
• Invitation, not argument
• Curiosity, not correction
• A tone that says:

“I’m here to understand you & what is going on, not define you.”

The opportunity to make it past this rung opens when the conversation stops feeling like a threat to one’s identity.

2. Neuro Open

Here, the conversation “opens” up a bit. One might not be convinced it’s autism, but they’re no longer shutting the conversation down. They’re willing to hear, even if they’re not ready to research it yet.

Neuro Open sounds like:

• “Okay, maybe. I can listen.”
• “I don’t fully see it, but go on.”
• “I get why you’d ask that.”

Internal shift:

• Defending → considering
• Blocking → observing

What Neuro Open is doing:

• Collecting information without merging it into identity
• Testing if the conversation will hurt or help
• Letting possibility exist without surrendering agency

The need at this stage:

• Practical, clear, non-clinical language
• No overreach, no moralizing, no armchair diagnosis
• A safe pace that says:

“Let’s look at patterns and see what we might find.”

We can climb this rung when the conversation proves it can exist without hurting you.

3. Neuro Curious

This is the dot-connecting stage. They start asking questions, spotting traits, noticing patterns, and even seeing the humor in hindsight — not as self-mockery, but self-recognition.

Neuro Curious sounds like:

• “What am I missing here?”
• “Oh wow… so THAT’S why I do that.”
• “I want to understand how my brain actually works.”
• “Tell me more, but keep it real.”

Internal shift:

• Possibility → self-investigation
• Threat → lens

What’s emerging here:

• Ownership without over-identifying
• Curiosity about wiring, triggers, sensory needs, and communication patterns
• Desire for vocabulary, not confinement
• The diagnosis becomes a Rosetta Stone, not a box

The need at this stage:

• Frameworks
• Vocabulary
• Normalizing, not pathologizing
• Stories that say:

“Understanding my brain doesn’t shrink my story. It expands it.”

You climb this rung when understanding becomes more interesting than intimidating.

4. Neuro Confident

This is the settled-in stage. You can talk about autism without losing yourself to it. The diagnosis explains part of you, but you’re still the author of your own identity.

Neuro Confident sounds like:

• “Autism explains many of my behaviors, but doesn’t define me.”
• “I can name my needs without shame.”
• “I can hear feedback without identity threat.”
• “I get it. I own it. I’m still me.”

Internal shift:

• Questioning → clarity
• Fear → agency

What defines Neuro Confident:

• Vocabulary replaces shame
• Self-awareness replaces self-criticism
• Boundaries replace burnout
• Identity stays intact while understanding deepens
• You become the narrator, not the diagnosis

This stage matures when you can say with a settled exhale:

“This is my brain. This is how it works. This is how I work with it. It is all good.”

Using the Ladder Without Getting Stuck on It

• You don’t climb this ladder by loving the label more
• You climb it by loving your self-understanding more
• Progress here is not linear — it’s honest
• Many of us bounce between rungs before we find who we really are
• The win isn’t reaching the top fast — it’s reaching it intact, so we can stay there

Conclusion: Lens, Not Headline

So, does autism define you?

Not entirely. But it might finally explain the parts of life where you kept thinking, Why is this so much harder for me than it looks for everyone else? The diagnosis gives you vocabulary — not a verdict. A reference point — not a rule. A lens — not a headline.

And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh, I recognize this ladder…” — that’s self-awareness talking. Not fear. Not denial. Not even acceptance yet — maybe just honesty. And honesty is where good coaching begins.

If this ladder feels familiar and you’re realizing you want support climbing it without losing yourself in the process — that’s exactly the kind of work we do at NeuroFam.

Next steps you can take right now:

• Download the free guide: Making It Work — The Art of Thriving in a Neurodiverse Relationship
• Listen to NeuroFM (“NeuroFM”) for more real conversations
• Or reach out for coaching if you want help putting language to your wiring without letting it define your life

You don’t have to climb alone.
You just have to be willing to take the next rung, honestly.

If you'd like to connect further about what you've just read or to learn more about what we do at NeuroFam, you can reach Charity or Me at [email protected] or [email protected] .